An essay on finding a quiet space

It’s hard finding a quiet space in a ranch style house.

The walls are never thick enough, and the rooms are never quite as far as you’d like them to be. Whenever my mind requires complete and utter silence, the house if filled with the sounds of life and the act of living. I am selfish in many ways. Loud sounds and music disturb me, and I am completely comfortable existing in quiet spaces. I don’t require music to reach a specific state of mind, and television doesn’t quite cut it.

If I’m sounding rather narcissistic or antisocial, I assure you I am not. But I am someone very susceptible to the environment around me. Thus, I make quite an effort to construct it to suit my emotional needs.

But ranch houses are not conducive to “finding your space”. And living with your parents even less so. Because I am obsessed with pleasing everyone around me and meeting people’s expectations, I find myself relinquishing my needs for the sake of another’s. So when I need silence, and my family needs loud salsa music, I give in—and the music blasts. And all the while I think: “what corner of this house can I escape to?” and sadly the answer is usually: “nowhere”. There is no escaping your physical space unless you leave it. The same is true, in my opinion, with your mental space. You have to force yourself to leave a certain state of mind for the sake of existing in your physical space. There is, undoubtedly, a compromise that must be made.

“Where do you run away to to experience silence?”

Leaving your home means stepping into a universe full of car horns and distractions. Going anywhere will mean going somewhere. And that somewhere is rarely silent.

Where do I escape to?

I escaped to the bathroom. The only sound is the one coming from my fingers on the keys, and the vent above my head moving air through the room. Most days, there isn’t a place I can go to for quiet tranquility. But tonight, on this rather dull and uneventful Saturday evening, the bathroom is where I run away to.

Thus, I crouch on the cold marble floor. I wrap myself in my bathrobe, and type away. No one calls me. There is no laughter blaring through my ears. Instead, there is just me and my existence. And while I am sure that any moment now I will be dragged from this oasis, I relish my moment here. There nothing more peaceful that the anticipation of noise, and the savoring of quiet.

Year End Review

The year is coming to an end, there is a lot of reflecting to be done. While I am not a particularly nostalgic individual - I don't tend to look back that often - I do enjoy thinking of the past year and anticipating what is to come. I also like to review all of the promises I made to myself and see how many of them I actually accomplished. Honestly? Two years ago I would have undoubtedly concluded that most of my resolutions fell to the waste-side and I didn't really do anything I promised I would do.

This year, however, I managed to meet almost all of my 2015 resolutions. Here are the resolutions I made last year:

1. Read (at least) one book
2. Move more
3. Dance more
4. Grant a wish
5. Check my car's engine
6. Make more money
7. Stay cool
8. Keep warm
9. Fall in love
10. Take a risk
11. Eat more sushi
12. Write a book
13. Sleep more soundly
14. Be inspired
15. Make an investment

It was a really long list. Of course, I wasn't going to be able to accomplish them all. It wasn't that I didn't try, but there are some (like falling in love) that don't just happen because you say they will happen. Sometimes life gets in the way, and things just don't go the way you expect them to. Regardless of that, there were several of them that I actually managed to do! Ten out of 15 is pretty damn good! Numbers 7 and 8 were kind of relative and not entirely concrete resolutions, whose success I could measure.

For 2016, I want to make some resolutions that I actually can measure the success of. Not quite sure where things will go, but I want to look forward to the new year and always keep striving forward.

P.S. The book I wrote was a book for my parents' 50th birthday. Not a novel, but hey, I think it counts!

The art of data

I have recently taken an immense interest in the visualization of data. At my previous job, the amount of data I would get from studies and research we would conduct was far greater than my current employment. Now the number of participants are smaller, and there are few (at times, if any) metrics to utilize in analyses later conducted. This has left me in a huge funk with regards to getting to play around with Excel (and Matlab). Everyone seems to enjoy bar plots. Or worse, tables and reports. Nothing more intricate seems to be useful for anyone.

This leads me to my recent fascination with Network Visualization. The concept of the interconnectivity of just about anything intrigues me. Partly because my background in Neural Engineering, and partly because I am obsessed with the connections between species and complex organisms (including simple ones like bacteria). Network visualizations are beautiful and intriguing. And while they may not instantly help someone pick out a definite answer, they show that sometimes an easy answer just isn't available. There is beauty in the complexity of how the universe works.

Picture credits to Kimo Quaintance and LaNet-vi

Jumping on the wagon

Part of my getting healthy/happy plan has had to involve what I shove in my mouth. Several months (who am I kidding, years) of not being completely conscious of what I consume has led to a weight I am not particularly happy with, and a slue of conditions - developed acne in college and recently had a pretty severe rash. The "bandwagon" of food intolerances is often perceived as just that. And frequently the individuals labeling themselves as "something-free" (e.g. gluten, dairy, meat) are looked down upon and mocked. These are considered first-world problems. That may be the case. But probably because of the fact that the food "first-world" countries are consuming is not actually very nutritionally rich.

Regardless of that, one week ago I decided to cut out all dairy (goodbye pastries) and gluten (goodbye bread). I don't drink milk, but I am positive most of the cookies and sweets I was consuming were full of it. And the amount of bread I was eating was certainly excessive. After a rather severe breakout, I opted to cut all of that - and sugar - from my diet. That, and I started doing Ballet Beautiful for 30 minutes a day. The Balanced app really helped keeping me in check!

Results: Acne has subsided (I have also been putting Manuka honey on it), I have lost some weight, my rash has basically disappeared, and I feel better than I have in a LONG time.

Verdict: I'm definitely going to remove ALL dairy from my life. I'm going to leave out gluten products (looking for the best GF bread for substitute), and I have even started drinking my espressos without sugar. Sugar be damned!

The above loaf was GF, DF, and sugar free (though it was sweetened with applesauce and a bit of maple syrup). I got the recipe from Deliciously Ella. I'll be cooking more from now on.

An Update (13 days in)

The four-month challenge continues. Finding happiness is complicated. And I don't really think happiness is something that is in fact "found". It's not a kid hiding - waiting for you to find him. It isn't a fabled mountain lion, only seen once in a blue moon. In reality, happiness is a state of being that is reached through, from personal opinion, lots of unhappiness. When you find yourself in a constant state of awful, there is a point in your life when you acknowledge that the power to find more content and peace of mind is solely in your hands.

There are countless elements that will cause me to have a horrible day. The migraine I had during the weekend helped to put me in a sour mood. An unexpected breakout around my cheeks, chin, AND forehead is extremely unwelcome. But here I am writing, whilst having Manuka honey slathered on my face in an attempt to cure my woes, and feeling rather happy. I am not ecstatic right now. I am not laughing or feeling like the queen of the world. I am merely in my bed, rather accepting of the reality I exist in. And even more accepting of the dreams and fantasies that take me away.

Picture credit to CreativeMornings

Balanced

I came across the app Balanced while searching for something to aid in my happiness "project". The application is simple and attractive; and it allows you to track your progress. I have downloaded countless of performance tracking apps (weight-loss, meditation, and even language) and none of them ever really worked. A lot of it had to do with how much I disliked the user interface of the applications. For me they were always unattractive and too clunky. And there were always too many annoying ads at the bottom.

Needless to say, Balanced does not have any of that. And the ability to customize naming of tasks and the logos is extremely beneficial. The subtle notifications are neither hostile nor judgmental. Nor are they overly annoying. The interesting part, however, is that I am not in need of them half of the team. I am finding myself opening the application countless of times during the day. And the reminders have improved my posture (now I check it several times a day) and has greatly reminded me of the aspects of my life in which I am greatly lacking (i.e. exercise and self-fulfillment). The simple line graph, with that base line, is enough to motivate me to keep it above the damn line. And today when I received the notification "what have you done for yourself today?" made me feel as though I had greatly neglected myself (again). Thanks to the app, I am writing more. And I am also consciously trying to thank people. It turns out, people really do appreciate being thanked.

The (crude) of criticism

Learning to give an opinion:

There has been countless discussions in media and the news on how women should communicate. Some feminists advocate for women to stop the (over) use of terms such as "sorry". Others, on the contrary, argue about RBF syndrome and ask women to "be sweeter". The conversation gets far more complicated in the workforce. In a day and age where gender equality is often a complicated discussion, the fine line of what how to behave and react is rather blurred.

But all of these conversations are rather contradictory, merely because the act of telling someone "to be themselves" and then to go forth and recommend methods of how that should be performed is ludacris.

The importance of learning to give an opinion and criticism is not the sole responsibility of women or men. In all moments of life, we are forced to accept and give criticism and our opinions. Learning to provide that commentary - and to take it - is crucial. Ultimately, I am preaching to the choir and I am often guilty of ignoring criticism. Particularly the one regarding my personal life. However, the greatest thing I have learned in the professional world (in my short year and a half in it) is that taking the ego out of the equation. You have to stop and take away your personal opinions of that person, whatever they may be, and acknowledge that constructive criticism is the only useful one. Remove yourself, and view the situation from an outside perspective. Your ego gets in the way of your judgement. You want to belittle people, you want to protect a friend, or you don't want to be beaten. Whatever the case may be, it is pointless to bring those thoughts to the conversation. And if you are at work, just remember that both of you are there to fulfill the goals of the company (whether you love it or not). And when the company performs well, you will be in a better state. Hurting your coworkers will only hurt yourself. And when people critize you, whether it be with or without the ego, don't take it personally and try to learn from them. If they are in fact trying to make you feel bad, then revel at the fact that they are far more immature than you are. And they'll likely not see it coming when you respectfully listen and accept their critiques.

Even if inside you're telling them to go f themselves.